blue moon (2)

Friday, November 07, 2008

Last Weekend To The Next ©

Busy Busy
It’s a mad house around here and I haven’t had time to do much blogging.
I hope by next week it will settle down and I get some time.
I have a poker game this week that was thrust on me.
Mike said I should stop saying yes and just say no once in a while and he may be right.
Another thing is I can’t sleep.
I think I have slept 16 hours in the last six days.
I tried almost everything I can think of and I cant sleep.
The other day I forced a bottle of gross fucken wine down my throat to help knock me out and it worked but I can’t keep doing that so I will have to figure that problem out before I end up looking like Don Knotts.
Below is part two and three from the last post I figure rather than make you wait I would put it here and see if I can get more work done and maybe find a couple of ZZZZZZZs to snuggle up too.
I hear I have an out of town guest coming this week again


Buddy walked through the door and he looked old man.
His hair is white as snow and he’s skinny as a rail.
If he was bald, he would look like Gandhi.

Along with Mike we have been friends now for over 30 years and have been through a lot of shit together but now he lives in Toronto and we meet up about once a year when he is not in jail for something stupid.
Yes he is one of those not unlucky criminals but stupid.
I don’t even know WHY he bothers breaking the law, he always gets caught.
He is a great mechanic but spends way to much time getting stoned and man is he fucken slow when he’s stoned.
I gave him my car for an oil change once and 12 hours later it was still on the hoist and he was floating somewhere between LALA land and Shangri-La.

His love life is one to be studied by everyone as to how NOT to have a relationship.
It’s never his fault and he is always right even when he is wrong.
If he gets busted it’s the fucken cops to blame for catching him and when they don’t he calls them idiots.

Maybe that’s his problem.
He thinks they are idiots all the time and he gets busted.
He’s not even a Canadian citizen and they have been trying to deport him for twenty years but they can’t because they can’t prove where he comes from.
They can’t prove where he comes from because when he and his family fled for their lives the dictator that took over put it upon himself to burn ALL the official documents thus getting to keep all the money and properties they confiscated from those who escaped.
Really nice scam if you ask me providing you have a well-armed pack of murdering bastards to order around.
He is a British subject but they don’t want him either.

And can the boy smoke dope.
I mean I like my joints.
Light up a spliff then lay back to relax.
Someone must have told him that they were going to make rolling and smoking dope an Olympic sport and he is practicing to win the Acapulco gold medal.
He was rolling one after the other until I said it was time for him to go.
My fucken plants were stoned, I could see them laughing at me.
The cactus waved.

He said he had to go anyway because he had to take the dog out.
Dog what dog; he never had a dog unless you count that girlfriend he once had that bit my arm.
She was MEAN, nice tits but you couldn’t look at them without getting a punch in the mouth and she was fucken naked.
Crazy stripper.

He said he had gotten a dog after his last sentence to keep him company.
You get pets in jail now?
He told me no and would explain the next day when the three of us meet here.
After he left I just melted into the couch and pretended I was a rug.
It must have worked because Frick was using me for a scratch post.

The morning brought in a new day with their own challenges all of them courtesy of my father.
I had just gotten off the phone with Mike who said the boys were meeting at 7pm at my place, which means 8 for Mike and 9 for buddy, they’re never on time.
My doorbell starts rattling off the wall.
I go to the door and it’s my father.
My father never phones me and I bet he doesn’t even know my number.
No, my father’s way to communicate with me is to bash down my back door with his fist or any other object he can get his hands on or to burn my doorbell until I answer it.

I ask him what’s up and he says go to the back and leaves.
Ok I go around the back and into the kitchen and the alarm was going off.
My mother quickly says my father did it which got her a dirty look from him.
He says he doesn’t know what happened, he was putting in a new door frame and it suddenly started screaming.

I walk up to the door frame and look at this nice piece of wood he bought.
I asked him how much he paid for it and he said thirty-eight bucks.
Thirty-eight bucks, and ummm why is there and three inch piece added to the top of it instead of one long piece from the top to the floor.
My mother jumped in and said it was my father’s fault.
She got another dirty look.

My father is a horrible handyman.
He bought the ornate door frame and went home and measured the length he needed then went down to the basement and marked off where he should cut on the wood but before he cut it he decided to go back up and measure once more to be on the safe side.
After re-measuring he goes back downstairs to check if he had it right but some gremlin had snuck down it seems and rubbed it off so he put a new mark on the wood then cut it.
It was three inches to short then he was forced to cut off a piece to extend it and that’s when the alarm problem happened when he was putting it back.

So I pry the door frame off because the wire for the alarm was back there and found a nail had gone right through the wire.
What does my father say?
“I didn’t do that” while he’s standing there with a hammer in his hand.

I told him he was fucked and needed to call my brother to change the line or the alarm company.
That didn’t go well with either of them because they both knew my brother would only freak out on them so they looked at me and said I could fix it.
I don’t have time for this.
I have a houseful of people Saturday for a poker game and I have four pumpkin pies in the oven and then I have the Spanakopites and pumpkin tarts to make.

I sat on the floor with my soldering iron plugged into the wall next to m e and took the wire cutters and snipped the wire in two silencing the alarm once and for all.
The big problem was that there wasn’t enough wire to repair it and I needed to add a piece.
It took me about thirty minutes to get everything soldered together and taped up once more.
The alarm reset itself and my brother is none the wiser.
I told my father to be more careful where he is hammering nails in next time and he said it wasn’t his fault, it was the idiot who put the wire behind there.
It’s never his fault.

I sat down in one of the chairs and let him put the frame back up. I went to do it but he shoved me aside and said he didn’t need my help so I sat to watch him.
He said this time he knew about the wire and said he would just angle the nails a little and started banging away until he had driven about eight three inch screw nails into the wood.
He grabbed the frame with his hands and shook it and said, “Look it’s solid”.
Then he took the door handle and opened the door.
I mean he tried to open the door but he couldn’t because he nailed the doorframe right up to it and now it was closed and staying that way.
I would have loved to stay and help him with the door but I had some pies in the oven.

The rest of the day I spent trying to get as much done before the guys showed up because after I would probably be to wasted to do anything and I am the one who has to prepare for the poker game this week they just come and play.
It was mike that showed up first at 7:45pm, like I though late but first.
He wasn’t surprised buddy wasn’t there as he knew him as well as I did and knew he would be late.
I filled him in on some of the stuff he told me the night before like loosing his appeal.

A couple of years ago he got into a spat with his then girlfriend and she called the cops on him but he left before they got there.
She told the cops she threatened to kill her and they asked her for proof but she said she had none.
Then she told then to wait a second and she call3ed buddy on the phone and told him the cops were there and that she was recording their conversation.
He said, ”I’ll kill you, you stupid bitch”.
Guess who got busted?

So after a year of going back and forth to court he is convicted and sentenced to……6 months house arrest and a year of probation after.

That’s not a fucken sentence, that’s a vacation.
What does he do?
He appeals it.

He spent the next year fighting it in court and he lost.
He lost his appeal six months after his sentence was over.
I don’t know how he thinks or why he thinks like that.

Around 8:20 he called and said he would be here in ten minutes.
Mike said fuck it and rolled a joint because he knew as I did that ten minutes meant and hour.
When he did show up and 9:10pm we were both pretty buzzed.
He walked into the TV room and started rolling a joint before his butt hit the chair.
I warned Mike before hand about his constant smoking.

We both sat there watching him grind up a small hillside of pot and start rolling joint after joint.
Mike started getting worried and told him he wasn’t sticking around to smoke all of those.
Buddy said he was just rolling for the road and a few for now.
Mike still said he wasn’t smoking more than one more.

Buddy recanted some of the stuff he had to me to Mike and then pulled out his IPHONE to show Mike a picture of his dog.
Mike looked at the phone and told him it was a snappy phone and asked how much it cost and he said 100 a month.
We both knew he couldn’t afford it and asked him how he managed.
He said he didn’t and expected to have it cut off.
Now that’s the buddy we know.

Mike asked him where he got the dog then we ended back to him doing house arrest and how he got the dog to keep him company.
The dog ended up being the reason he got thrown out of the place he was staying in.
Mike and me stopped him there to go to the washroom because we knew this was going to be a long story.

He had been living with this guy who helped him get bailed out, he was being held for deportation again.
For three years all we heard from him was nothing good about the guy and how they used to argue.
We used to tease him that they sounded like a married couple and insinuated that there maybe more going on than he was telling us.
He told us to fuck off and we laughed.
The other day he tells us when he got the dog the other guy wasn’t happy and they got into a fight and he was told he had to move because he didn’t want a dog in his place.
Buddy didn’t take him seriously and the cops were called.
Buddy says he didn’t take him seriously because he was threatened like that before and he never done it.
I guess there is always a first time.

Any way he got a couple of days to find a place and he found a bachelor to move into but the problem is that there wasn’t room for him and the dog.
So you want to know where the dog is?
The dog lives with the guy who through him out for getting the fucken dog in the first place.
And AND, Buddy gets him every second weekend.
I just looked at Mike and we both fucken laughed.
I asked him if there was anything else he wanted to admit to and he told me fuckoff.
Well come on how stupid is that?

He lit up a joint and when it was done Mike asked him where he got the dog and buddy said from his EX.
Huh, what EX, the one that recorded him?
He said he had a new EX.
Why am I not surprised?

While on house arrest the dog didn’t satisfy all his needs so he got into meeting women on the phone.
He said he thought it was a cheap way to meet women until he got a $600 phone bill but he did meet one woman who he said he dated a couple of times but ended up with her sister instead because she smoke less of his pot.
He got the dog from her because she didn’t want it any more so he took it for company.

Mike was full of questions that night and asked him why they broke up and he said because she wanted to visit her sister.
Mike just looked at him and waited for the rest but there was none.
I just laughed and went to get a bottle of water.
I could hear Mike in the other room freaking out on him.

Buddy has trust issues with everyone he dates.
He wouldn’t trust a corpse and accuse it of lying down with just anyone.
I came back into the room and backed Mike up telling him he was an idiot.
Between his criminal activities and his love life I think he has spent more time in jail than on the street and I don’t see that changing any time soon.
He actually tried to convince Mike and I to strike up the old gang and go into business again.
I told him as did Mike that we’d rather take it easy and enjoy the comforts we could afford.
We’re to old to go to jail.

I have an array of friends.
Some are crazy, some are insanely sane and some are right out of the twilight zone but they are my friends even if they are slowly driving me nuts too.
Or is it to late?

Have a nice weekend



Megan said...

I can't decide who is funnier, your dad or Buddy.

Did the pies turn out okay?

Gypsy said...

Buddy sounds like a riot, or at least he does from a distance. I think he would drive me nuts if I was around him all the time :) How on earth does he stay upright?

Hope you have a great weekend Walker and maybe catch up on some sleep.

celticgirl said...

You always crack me up.
I think that we should all have crazy friends. Why be boring?

gab said...

wow..Buddy is...ummm yeah! LOL
anyways we all already a little nuts so maybe you on your way to being a lot nuts? lol

A.B. said...

You know if you ever slow down and actually spend a weekend by yourself I'm going to fall off my chair in shock. xoxo

Luka said...

I don't know how you have the stamina for all your wild weekends! I get exhausted just reading, but that could just be because you make me laugh so much!

Just telling it like it is said...

How come you can keep drinking nasty cheap wine to help you sleep?....No body ever told me that...and ummmm I kind of find Don Knott sexy...forget that last sentence I had cheap wine before reading this post;)

Scarlet said...

Friends like that are good to have ... they provide comic relief and remind you that your life isn't nearly as fucked as you think it is!

Bud said...

As usual, I've missed a lot but this was highly entertaining--also as usual. I'm actually writing a song about strange friends.

Fire Byrd said...

Love how your Dad nailed the door!
Hope you got to eat the pies inbetween joints!

TROLL said...

Good luck on the poker game. I offer lessons at a reasonable price.

Leah said...

pies, poker, weed--it's all I long for--

Michael Manning said...

Walker: It's a good thing you're not on Sirrius Satellite Radio because Howard Stern would be forced by his employer to resign!:D


ahhhh.... yes...... but i think this says it best..."We’re to old to go to jail."

another great installment of lost and beyond!!

Dotm said...

Hope your Dad finally got the door to open and close ok without messing up the doorbell again. Your family sure knows how to keep you on your toes. But then, what would they ever do if they couldn`t phone you to re-fix things for them.
Isn`t family wonderful!!

Sally said...

It's not too late for you, but it is for me. Good night, sleep tight, Walker. hahahaha

Monogram Queen said...

I am seeing more and more why you drink and smoke weed Walker LOL Your Dad never fails to make me grin! Ever!

Lindy said...

Seems to me that all you should need is a good buzz to put you to sleep. But then again, maybe thats just me. The shenigans in that house next door to you would be enough to keep me blogging for years. How do you manage to not crack up everytime you walk in that place?

Peter said...

I have an array of friends.
Some are crazy, some are insanely sane and some are right out of the twilight zone but they are my friends even if they are slowly driving me nuts too.
That says it all!!!!!