blue moon (2)

Monday, November 19, 2007

My Weekend ©

Is it just me or is life one big fucken war and every morning when you wake up you join the battle.
Not all battles are violent displays of carnage unless you are referring to what was left of my father’s birthday cake.

Let’s look at the cake.
They call Walker while he was sitting back listening to the air drift by and tell him that he has to go buy a cake because no one else did.
Not only do they want me to go get the cake they want it from a specific pastry shop that mostly makes cheesecakes.
Great cakes
Smothered in rich chocolate
Perfect for spreading over………

My mother hates cheesecake
My brother hates chocolate
My father wants strawberries
My three-year-old niece wants pizza
I want a blowjob

What are the odds of all of us ending up happy?

I go to the pastry shop and walk up to the glass counter then look down at twenty cakes, mostly fucken cheesecakes or chocolate cakes.
This cute chick hops from around the counter to help me.
I could tell she was new here.
For one she was to eager to please and I am not that good looking for her to rush around that fast.
Secondly she couldn’t have been more than 105 pounds compared to the others who were a t least 30 pounds over weight from working there.
I could never work in a pastry shop fuck I’d explode.

Every single cake was either cheesecake or had chocolate in it.
There was one that had raspberry paste all over it and it was filled with a raspberry filling between the layers.
But at the base it was covered with chocolate.

How can someone not like chocolate?
One day the world will destroy itself over chocolate.
Watch we are dumb enough.
The dark chocolate forces will clash with the white chocolate forces mochaing up the whole fucken world.

I look at the cake, then I look at her and I think to myself that if we take a knife and go around the bottom of the cake we could scrape off all of the chocolate and they we could spread it all over her and have one hell of a good time.
Yup, that’s the plan, so I tell her.

I told her I will take the raspberry cake and to scrape the chocolate off of the bottom and spread it all over one of those lobster tails and I’ll eat it later.
You didn’t think I was going to tell her to spread the chocolate over her tail did you?
I’m a little nuts, not rude besides I don’t think she would have gone for it.

I brought the cake home and they were there waiting with forks and plates on the table.
There are no formalities at my parents place.
The surprise is when you remind them that today is their birthday.
When I put the cake on the table my niece was first to point out that it didn’t look like a pizza box.
Yeah she is getting what she wants like I am.
The cake was a hit with everyone even Mike’s parents who lucked out when they showed up and the lobster tail was perfect for the morning with a coke.

Yesterday I finished off a friend’s taxes.
I was trying to help him balance his books because the guy he hired had an accident and had to leave the country in a hurry it seems, before he files everyone’s taxes returns.
He sat next to me asking questions, like.

Why are you putting me down for the farmers exempt status, I don’t have a farm?
Relax; just take that plant home with you when you leave.

Why did you put $9000 for moving expense?
When you got divorced and moved out of the house you needed new furniture, moving expense and its deductible if you move farther that 100 miles to start a new job, which you did.
Really, I didn’t know that.
I still don’t.

It took me about an hour to get that done and send him off on his way happy that he is going to get more back than he earned.

This was part of my weekend but it wasn’t supposed to be this way.
My weekend was to go in another direction.
Thursday the SIL called and said she needed a favour.

My heart stopped for a second.
She has a brain that flutters in so many directions that this favour could be anything from knocking up her sister to jumping out of a plane with her.
Only if I can pack her parachute.
Remember this is the same woman who gets her daughter inoculated with a birth control drug to keep her acne under control. “cough” “cough”

Anyhow she wants me to dog sit, she has this tiny dog.
It looks like someone shrank a golden retriever to the size of a guinea pig.
It’s a cute little thing but I don’t know how Frick would deal with a dog even one this small.
He is kind of a territorial cat.
I don’t know why he accepted Emme when he has almost killed a couple of cats when he has gotten out.

So I tell her to bring the dog on over and see how it goes.
She shows up with the dog and she puts it down on the floor then begins to tell me what needs to be done to care for it while at the same time she is also singing praises of the dog.
It didn’t matter to me, I’ll watch the dog but the cat is another matter.
I like dogs, I’m just to lazy to own one and who the hell wants to go outside at 4am in –45 degree weather to let the dog out, not me.

Frick came around the corner and stopp3ed dead in its tracks and the dog, still young started running to him.
Frick just took off and came around the other side of the room to get a better look at this new creature.
The dog just ran around the coffee table aimlessly.

About twenty minutes later and not sensing immediate danger, Frick moved in a little closer for a better look.
The SIL and I sat there on the couch watching closely.
Frick walked up to the dog and started sniffing around where he had been and then sniffed him.

The SIL said “Look, Frick likes him”.

Then the SIL said “OMG”!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s when I said ”Yup Frick likes him”.

Frick bent down and grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and ran upstairs, probably to eat the tiny morsel.
I took off after him and he dropped the dog halfway up the stairs where I retrieved him and gave him back to the SIL.

She decided right then that it wasn’t going to be a huge problem taking the dog with her on the trip she was leaving for.

So that was the weekend that was and what might have been.

I hope you all had a nice weekend.
Have a nice day too



Nan said...

Ahh Walker, you always make me laugh. Frick sounds like quite the character. I have cats myself and it's always entertaining watching them with my dog. Bit of a zoo around here with 4 cats, 1 dog and a baby.

Gypsy said...

"My mother hates cheesecake
My brother hates chocolate
My father wants strawberries
My three-year-old niece wants pizza
I want a blowjob

What are the odds of all of us ending up happy?"

Absolute classic! Btw did YOU get what you wanted? LOL...

Loved the part about Frick and the dog too. Animals are so funny when you put something little in front of them. They can't quite work out what it is. Thanks for the great start to my day, I will be chuckling all day now.

Anonymous said...

Yes the blowjob..did you ask for that at the counter??? LOL. That was ONE FUNNY post..and I liked the dog / cat scenario..too bad.Your weekend could've been so much more interesting!

patti_cake said...

Okay now you've got me jonesing for lobster tail and cake this a.m.!

Happy Belated Birthday to your dear Father!

Oh my, I do wonder what Frick was going to do with the dog?! Reilly is smaller than our cats and Holly even smaller. Sneaky is a kitten but she is fast catching up with them size-wise!!!

P.S. I totally GET the "who wants to take the dog out when it's freakin' freezing a.m."!!!

Peter said...

Hey Walker, do you take in tax jobs...UUummm.. perhaps not though.

Josie Two Shoes said...

Loved this post Walker, started my morning off laughing. You have a great way with words! Glad you survived these "adventures"! :-)

Walker said...

Nan: Fick is a riot most times and in the last six months has become more attentive sinse Emme passed on.

Walker said...

Gypsy: I'll never teeeeeeell. LOL

Frick is a card when you need a laugh.
I never know what he is going to do.

Walker said...

JYankee: No I didn;t ask but I wanted to LOL

Walker said...

patti_cake: I wasn;t going to want and find out what he was going to do.
I was having visions of my cat crawling around with a big lump in his belly lol

Walker said...

Peter : I do anyones tax for a percentage ;)

Walker said...

Josie Two Shoes: Thank you Jose, I try to put a smile on at least one person's face everyday.

Blazngfyre said...

Mmmm .... chocolate and blow jobs ..
two of MY favorite things!

Blazngfyre said...

oh, and since it was your Dad's b-day, he should get EXACTLY what he wants .... to hell with everyone else!

Teresa said...

Very funny. And, I agree, how in the hell could you not like chocolate, or cheesecake or strawberries.....

I hope Frick has recovered.

Dotm said...

Happy Late Birthday to your Dad. Gee, wouldn`t it been simpler to say, Dad`s birthday, so what he wants, he gets? But that cake sure did sound tasty. Nothing harder than trying to please everyone.

Sounds like Frick has decided to take over Emme`s role as head of the house.

Walker said...

Blazngfyre: Yes he should and they never have the cake he wants because he only likes cakes from this particular store.

Hmmm so chocolate dipped dick eh?

Walker said...

Teresa: Frick is Frick, a circus on the go.
I know, I thought everyone like chocolate and cheesecake with strawberries and liquid chocolate sounds perfect for dessert and some other things

Walker said...

Dotm : Frick has mutated into some kinda of ultra Emme/Frick Firend.
Eats more and rolls over to be petted.
This can't be my cat.

My father is happy to get cake. They didn't know it was his birthday until I reminded them.
Its not a big thing where they come from and never was.
They were happy to be alive then

nachtwache said...

Yep, a war it is, it's not just you. At least your not sharing the house with any humans.
I love all those desserts! Some of your answers are a riot.
My sis had friends who got a Chihuahua puppy, they already had a big Persian. They watched the cute puppy bounce around when they brought it home, then got busy with other things; then they noticed the puppy was missing.... they couldn't find it, but somehow figured out the cat had gratefully accepted the food they brought home.
I mean, really, cats bring mice home so what's a cat to think, when you put fast food in front of them.
Mmmmm, entertainment with dinner.

Walker said...

nachtwache : Hey the cat is very demanding let me tell you, up there every morning standing on my chest wanting food NOW